Why I gotta be so rude?

Why do I have to choose between being cordial, polite or congenial and being a stone cold robot who will not make eye contact in order to get to where I need to go?

Let me take a step back....the weather is getting warmer (read:hot) and everyone's out and about enjoying the weather. Everyone is wearing less layers and all those winter workouts are paying off.  With that said, Catcalling Season is in full effect.  Men start their mating calls of "Hey Ma!, Pssst, Pssst, Aye! The one with the pants, Smile, Beautiful. Mira que belleza! Aye mami!" or the always enticing:  some sort of growling or tongue wagging.  These guys are pretty gross because A) Stop B) Women are not dressing for you C) Does that really work for you? and D) Yuck!

Positively swooning now that you've called me over like an animal.  Sigh...

I feel, that as a woman, I have to put a lot more thought into my outfits than men.  Not just for style but for safety. Which is pretty sad overall.  I have to think of the logistics of where I'm going and who will be there.  

I've picked out an outfit several times and have said, "Nope, not this, you need to wear this with a man on your arm."  

I've planned outfits around, how am I getting to the party? Who will I be with?  How am I getting back?  Can I protect myself? These thoughts flood my mind trying to figure out what to wear.  Just the outfit; because I know if I wear this, I WILL have to deal with an onslaught of comments or worse.

For some reason, a woman can't go outside wearing her bodycon dress that she's taped into without a man feeling he has the right to touch her.  I've seen it too many times. Guys (not all of you, I now) think that garbage is cute and it isn't.  It's not attractive to be hemmed up in a corner by a guy that doesn't get that you are here to enjoy yourself NOT to be sensory overload for him.  

These actions do not make you endearing to women.  It doesn't make you persistent, it makes you a herb. 

Is it so much to ask guys just enjoy the show in silence? It's ok, really.  I don't want to hear about how you would looooovee to give me a reason to smile.  Or how you need a piece of my ass.  Or you know, anything for that matter.  I just want to get where I'm going in peace.

Like, I said the weather has been warmer and cooperating with plans and outfits, so I'm quite excited.  I was walking around the blocks this past weekend, two men walk past me and one said, "Good Morning"  I responded with "Good Morning " and kept it moving.  This man, called after me for about 90 seconds as I walked away.  It was a GOOD MORNING, leave it alone!  What gets me is, it can be done.  I have brothers and they have friends, and I've heard them say "Hello, Hey, Good Morning" to women and if she keeps going, off she goes.  Peacefully into the world and out of their line of sight. There's a way to approach a woman, making inarticulate sounds or gesturing isn't really the way.  Which brings me to the question "Why I gotta be rude?"  So I have to either ignore you so I can go on my merry way or respond in kind and you think that is an invitation to try your best lines on me.  Negative.  Just take the pleasantry for what it is.  A gesture of humanity.   

Are you girls mean mugging on these streets on purpose so you look uninviting?  I know I do it. Let me know.  Or better yet, HOLLA AT ME! :)

xoSquared

You're thanking me for what?!

I just read an article on Refinery29 about women captioning us-ies of them and their boyfriends, with open letters to all of HIS ex-girlfriends titled:  "To The Girls Who Let Him Go".  Apparently, this is spreading on Facebook and IG and when it was forwarded to me, I really couldn't believe what I was reading:

"Thank you so much. Thank you for walking out of his life or letting him walk out of yours. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to love him and do things that would make him happy, to really keep him. Thank you for hurting him. If not, he wouldn’t have learned what something as valuable as we have looks and feels like. I will do all the things you failed to do for him, like be there for him, prioritize him, not make him feel like he is just an option, Give him time and affection even when he is not asking for it. I will take care of the man you failed to appreciate. I will love the man you took for granted. I will do anything to keep him and make him stay. I will love him for all that he is, and will support him in anything that he wants to be. I will be the partner you failed to become for him. I will be the woman who will never make the same mistakes that you did. I will never let him go."

toodaloo!

Are you kidding me?!  Are you serious with this right now?  WTF?!!

A) Girl....no

B) Why?

C) Stop and 

D) FOH!

I WISH one of my exes had a girlfriend send or tag me on this sort of buffoonery.  You already have him.  I am living my life on this end of the world and you're coming for me?  If you're so happy with him, go be happy! No one is stopping you from this but you took time out of your blissful relationship to express your gratitude to me or others like me for "failing" your man, so you could "succeed"?  

We were all rooting for you!!

Newsflash: You failed.

You failed all of us.  

You failed the sisterhood, you failed yourself.

Listen, there is nothing wrong with supporting your man -- emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially if that's what you choose to do.  Do your thing.  However, why are you coming for other women who have nothing to do with your relationship anymore? You thank me for hurting him?  What if your new boo was an abusive asshole to me?  You don't know that because you only know what he's told you.  Thank me for taking him for granted?  Maybe I didn't like sharing him with you and I just let him go. 

The end of this "letter" gets really cracked:  I will do anything to keep him and make him stay.

Really?  Anything?  I'm all about expanding your horizons and doing things with and for your partner but in this context, this seems like a slippery slope:  from, sure I'll try something a little kinkier to now you see that he's watching kiddie porn and likes to cut you.  But remember you said,  you would do anything to keep him. This is what he likes.  This is what it takes to be with him.  But you're down right?  You'll be the one scouring the net for the next video for him right? You're down for it all!   If you know me, you know I take things to next levels, I'm extra and I know it but so are these chicks right now.  

Also, you can never make a man stay. EVER.  You can't make anyone stay, but you're right boo.  You have the keys to success, ga' head. 

You will "never let him go"?  -- sounds like you have abandonment issues and you're in the running to be "America's Next Stalking Girlfriend".  I/WE let him go and we're better for it.  We are shining on and living and you're over there telling us about what we did to help you?  You know what?  You're right, that's what women who are for other women do, we help one another and all I can say is you're so very welcome because what didn't work for me,  is working for you.  

Looking for a sign?

I didn't want a Three Thrust Larry.  I didn't want the man who was jealous when I made more money than him.  I didn't want the man who didn't have a passport because he didn't see the importance of seeing the world.  I didn't want the guy who wasn't at my level. I didn't want the guy who showed me that when times got tough, he got going.  I did away with my toxicity and now he's your treasure, enjoy him; while you're doing that, I'll enjoy me. 

Now, I know there are some women out here who ride hard for their guy.  How dare anyone hurt my soulmate?  I get it.  I do.  You want to defend him to the world.  But these letters are not the way.  Why pit yourself against women who have nothing to do with your life now? Why? 

But most important, you're right, don't make the same mistakes I made, don't rid yourself of dead weight.  Don't value your identity to being more than someone's Partner.  

Don't be like me.  

Don't accept that the past teaches us lessons and we can learn from those and do better.  

Don't understand YOUR WANTS AND YOUR NEEDS; yourself. 

Don't be your best ally.  

Continue to be THAT girl, the girl who likes the drama, the girl who wants nothing more than to prove that she is better than other girls.  Don't you worry, because the girls that you are thanking in that letter are the same girls that will tell you: "I know, that's why I stopped messing with him", when you want to come over and cry over wine.  

We'll accept you back at the table, we'll forgive.  But you will have to thank us then as well.

Please do. 

xoSquared

An angel in Sin City

I took a little trip over to the City of Sin last month and I have to admit it was a little bittersweet.   The first time I went, I went with my three girlfriends, it was the quintessential "girls trip".  It was Stephanie's first plane ride and she was terrified but took it like a champ.  The trip was full of firsts:  First trip with Stephanie, first time in Vegas, first bodycon dress, first time meeting a boy who made me sweat by only looking at me (God, he was so cute, he was like 6'6, green eyes, skin like caramel and anyway, he made me sweat my hair out, you girls know that's serious!)

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Le Sigh!

Anyhoo, Vegas has taken a new tone for me ever since Steph passed.  I can't help walk through the Bellagio and absently retrace our steps, or pass by Spago and think about how classy we thought we were for dinner.  I thought of how we zip-lined down Fremont under the neon canopy.  We were so excited and taking the streets by storm.

Having birthdays a week apart, Steph and I talked about ringing in our "Dirty Thirty" in Vegas. We would invite our friends and family and just bug out.  She never made it to 30.  I did and I went.  I did it for myself.  I was going to live life to the fullest now.  And then it hit me....right before dinner, I was looking in the mirror putting on my face when I lock eyes with, L (this woman has been my rock) who's winging the HELL out of her liner and she looks at me and says.  "It's ok, we knew this would happen.  Do it." And I just cried.  Here I was, getting ready in a grand suite on the 52nd floor and I'm in my underwear crying about not having Stephanie there.  L jumped into action : "Remember, we carved out 10 minutes for your breakdown. (we both knew it would happen so...) It's your birthday, we can cancel everything, I don't care if they're waiting downstairs. They can wait.  It's about you."  Did I mention that L is my rock?! Love her, because she was serious, she was going to shut everything ALL THE WAY down. 

I only needed 2 of the 10 minutes to cry and I got myself together.  I was with a group of people that loved me and Steph was there in spirit.  It was just a moment where everything came full circle.  Steph and I won't travel together anymore but she'll travel within me.  

So every time I come out to the desert it's not as salacious as it would be for others.  It's a place that holds great memories for me.  More slumber party than stripper poles.  More bourgie dinner than blackjack dealers.  

the other side of the Strip...less glitter for sure

Going to Vegas without the intention of obliterating your liver and taking your finances hostage is pretty interesting.  You're sober enough to see the small strip for what it is.  Lots of glitter and paint on an old city that is just learning new tricks. 

The strip gave me real "I am Legend" vibes when I walked around at 9am sober and clear headed.  It was like having it all to myself.  This place comes alive at night but at dawn it's as sleepy as can be.

As Celine said, "Aaall By Myself!"

I'll be back to Vegas in the future, it serves it purpose.  There cannot be a Backstreet Boys residency and it miss me! (The amount of texts and notifications I got about this was amazing, lol Ya'll just KNOW me)  

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!! says the 15 year old in me. 

So, I'll be back because entwined in all the sex, sin, and sequins; there's a place where giggles, girl power and unadulterated glee reign supreme.

xoSquared

Kissing and No Telling

Nowadays, it's cringe-worthy when you see a relationship crash and burn and the mudslinging takes to social media.  I don't need to know you hope your ex gets hit by a car or that your ex had night tremors and would wake up screaming and you're now calling them a little bitch. Or that your girl likes a certain position in bed. Or that they once did something strange for a little bit of change. There are certain things that should just stay between you.  

Hmmm, so NOW he's corny.  He wasn't when you were together...oh ok!

Smear campaigns are wack.  Don't be that person who thought it was so cute when he/she wore that jacket and then when you break up, that jacket is terrible.  Nope, that jacket is still fly, you're a little bitter now. And that's fine, you can be upset and mad and bitter about the demise of this relationship but don't go out on these streets screaming about how lame your ex is.

YOU dated them, so you cosigned the lameness. Stop.

I applaud those couples who break up and you have to be within their inner circle to find out. I had to ask a friend recently if she dissolved her marriage and that was because of an innocuous post I saw on FB. Just something that made me say "hmmm" and instead of commenting, I texted her because I am also friends with her ex so I wanted to make sure I wasn't committing any faux pas.  When I got the confirmation, I literally slow clapped at my phone.  That's the way to do it! Good for ya'll!  I mean, I know there will be screaming matches and emotional fights but keep that laundry in your basket. 

Did you ever really love them? 

 I'm really good at keeping secrets.  All secrets. The guys I've dated have confided in me.  Confided over dinners, drunken nights, Sundays at dawn and Wednesdays at 3am.  The times when it gets really real.  But when our time together ended, the secrets stayed with me.  You shouldn't emotionally eviscerate someone just because you're not together anymore.  I can hardly remember how their lips felt on mine, but when it comes to what was said in confidence; my lips are sealed.  Unless it something like abuse, then yes, tell EVERYONE because at that point it's a public service announcement. Warn everyone against this scumbag (male or female!)

If we dated, there was love exchanged.  Maybe we weren't IN love with each other but there was love there.  I'll always have love for the good memories and I'll learn from the bad ones.

However, full disclosure: my bestie may hear about how you cried during a chick flick, how you wanted to be held after you had a fight with your mom and how you're terrible at math...like really BAD.  All of that is going to come out when the wine is flowing.  You know, the little stuff.  :) 

xoSquared

PS. Has your ex ever taken to the web to slander you and ended up looking crazy?  It happened to me -- Well the ex of my ex needed a straight jacket when I came into the picture but now that I'm an ex as well...I get it.  Some people do bring the crazy out of you, but that's for another time :O)

"It's not me, it's you." -- Monday

No one ever said "Ugh, what a terrible Monday!"  while they'e on vacation or spending some quality time with friends, or indulging in a hobby.  Nope, that just comes when it's time to go to work.

As the quote says, "It's not Mondays that suck, it's your job."  It's true, if you start having "Sunday Scaries" (the dread and anxiety that creeps in on Sunday because you know Monday will be here soon) it's time to look for a new gig.  Perhaps you're not being fulfilled.  You're not being challenged enough.  Maybe you're bored or it could be, you hate all your coworkers and it is mentally and physically taxing on your body and soul to interact with these nitwits and not defenestrate them!  Can you tell, I've been there?  Also, look up Defenestrate - it is my favorite word. Just...look it up :)

Anyway, if I've just scratched the surface let's think about getting a new job.  You spend a minimum of 8 hours (I know people who put in close to 12 and 16 hours, even more) at this place, you have to like it.  You're spending most of your time there so why do something you hate? Now, I know you're saying, "well, that's easier said than done! I've got to pay these bills, I've got to take what I can get".  And you're right, it's very easy to SAY.  However, don't use that as an excuse to stay stagnant.  Wherever you are now, use the off time to look for the next opportunity.  Talk to people who have jobs they enjoy and ask them WHY they enjoy them.

I usually feel this at least twice a day at my desk, and sometimes it actually happens! Well, not the table part, but I will bust a move.

The job I have now does not align with my passions, at all...BUT, I still enjoy my job.  I like going to work, I don't come home sullen and stressed.  I feel like people tend to confuse that.  If I'm not following my dream or working in exactly the field I WANT, then everything sucks anyway and I might as just stick to this job I hate. Negative, if you can't make your passion your day job then have your day job bankroll your passion. You should have enough energy and enthusiasm at the end of the workday to work on your own hustle/side gig/grind.  Figure out why you hate your current job:

Office dynamic/People

Commute

No Challenge/Boredom

No Growth Opportunity

Pay

These things aren't really attached to a specific field.  However, these details factor into job satisfaction.  Pay is good but the people suck.  The people are great but you're bored.  The pay is low but your coworkers are basically your family.  The commute is way too long.  The commute is perfect but you're staring at the next 20 years of your life doing the same exact thing.  There are many combinations to this.  What I'm trying to say is:  "What's bothering you?"  Once you figure that out, talk to people and highlight the things you NEED in a new job...because we ALL want more money that's a given, but are you willing to perhaps take a small pay cut but work with a great team?  Maybe you're willing to travel farther if you can see a promotion in a year.  One of my dear friends has nearly a 2 hour commute to and from work everyday but she does it because she loves her job.  This is what I mean!

I think this table represents everything I felt at my last job....every. day. 

It may be rough to make the transition but once you make it and start working at a place you enjoy, the world gets better.  Honestly, it changes your whole outlook on everything.  Less stress at work means less stress in other areas of your life, because you're not bringing that toxicity with you everywhere you go. It really makes a difference and the only reason you'll roll your eyes at Monday is because you know you're going to see all the memes going up while you're on your way in, looking forward to a productive week.  Hold up, that's a lie, you'll definitely roll your eyes at something else, it's NYC, there's always something :)  

Tell me what you don't like about your job below.  I can keep secrets :)

xoSquared 

It's a Birfday!

I want to give a bday shout out to a Square who is out here getting her LIFE!

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Cheekbones for Daaaayyysss!!

Ms. Vanessa is slaying on a daily.  I met Vanessa about four years ago through Yelp.  Yep...Yelp. I was looking for a dance class to rev up the workout routine and came across this Yelp review that had a grainy video up of people in a mirrored room dancing to Mariah's "Heartbreaker" and Bey's "Crazy In Love", with an instructor screaming out "Work! YAASSS! Live that moment!"  I said, yup this is for me.  

I went the next week and signed up, pretty nervous about being in a new space with new people, being the new kid is hard when yo see everyone is already talking to each other.  Then bursts in (Kool-aid style)  this neon teen dream, b-boy, fly-girl.  

It was like Lisa Frank and MTV's The Grind had a baby! She smiled, asked my name and gave me a hug.  I've been living ever since!

What makes Vanessa a special square to me, is the fact she saw the market was lacking and created something to fill the void.  She's constantly working to get her brand out there. She's a hustler.  She gets down on herself at times, just like all of us, but she straps on her Reeboks, hikes up her spandex and goes to WERK.  She is ALWAYS striving to get in where she fits in and makes a dollar out of 15 cents. 

LIVING!

In her class, you forget about the outside world and just "LIVE THAT MOMENT!"

You have to surround yourself with people who make you feel good.  People who push you to be a better person.  Vanessa has given me the opportunity to do something that makes me feel so good about myself and frankly, others.  After a tough week, her class gets me through!  I love her because she teaches others to love themselves.

Your squad needs to have people who support you and your endeavors and people who can appreciate a good photo op.  So for her birthday, I send V all the love and support for a beautiful year to come!! Oh and she will be performing at the MOMA at 2pm today....like a boss!

Happy Birthday Fly-Girl!

This girl has got me gigging out here in these streets!! 

xoSquared