If you know me or have ever visited this site before, you know my best friend was murdered by her domestic partner. This week is the five year anniversary of that event. It simultaneously feels like 15 years ago and 5 days ago. A lot has happened to me in these last five years…A LOT.
At first, I wanted to be strong. My best friend knew me as a strong, independent, smart, funny girl. I wanted to continue being that in her honor. So although I was sad, I tried to put on a brave face; in the name of, ”It’s what she would’ve wanted.” I was able to sustain that for about 6 months. Do you know what broke me? A Backstreet Boys concert. It was the first one I attended without her and it absolutely destroyed me. And I don’t say that lightly. I stopped talking to my loved ones. My friend barely saw me and when they did, I would say things like “I thought about jumping onto the train tracks today.” My boyfriend at the time broke up with me because I was “too sad”. It was a bit of a dick move but honestly, it was for the best. I was in a fog for most of the relationship and when I wasn’t I was wracked with guilt.
why me?
I would feel guilty for being with a man who said he loved me. I would feel guilty for being with someone who wouldn’t hit me, who wouldn’t call me names and who wouldn’t abuse me. I would lay in his arms and cry silently (as he slept) because I just couldn’t understand why I got to be in this position and my best friend (she was a much better person than me) wasn’t. Why did I get to have someone shower me with attention and compliments while she got someone who showered her in bullets. I felt guilty for smiling so soon after her death….how could I dare betray her like this and find things amusing so soon afterwards? It was such a heavy feeling.
To be sorry I was alive.
It took me about a year to come to terms with her death. Not get over it; but come to terms with the fact that she would never be here again in a corporal sense. After a year, I made a conscious decision to live my life to the fullest extent of my capabilities. I told myself: Ok, this is it. You’ve cried, you’ve wallowed, you have grieved, now let’s get our shit together. I moved out of my mom’s house, I got a new job, I lost 25 pounds and I started making myself a priority.
Brand New Me. Brand New Brand
Working on myself saved my life, it made me realize that there are so many things I want to do, places I want to see and people I want to talk to. I took the plunge to start Square WIth Curves because of her. It was an idea I’ve had for YEAR; just never had the guts to start. I don’t know what I was waiting for. However, having her light snuffed out as quickly as it was let me further know that nothing is promised, so I will shoot every shot because I don’t know when I will get another chance.
Every year around this time, it gets a little dim for me. Our birthdays are a week apart so the last quarter of the year has always been hard. Our birthdays in September, Halloween, (she would throw a fantastic party) Thanksgiving (I would eat at her house, when my mom had to work) Christmas (she loved Christmas songs) and New Years are just a little more…reserved..
What happened to your friend?
She Fried…
She’s in a much better state…
I realize these times are hard for everyone. It seems like the worst can happen around this time of year. My mom’s house burned down during December a couple years ago and we were homeless for Christmas. However, my best friend made sure we had food to eat and storage for our belongings. I still cry when I think of holidays without her; but with every passing year, I’m able to get through them a little easier. However, that comes with it’s own dicey feelings as well.
Am I doing enough to remember her? Am I missing her enough? People have gotten tattoos, named their kids, written songs, painted pictures, have been grieving for years on end in her honor… it seems like they miss her a lot more than me. I cry less. Am I forgetting her? Is she slowly fading away from me? Am I OK with that? Then I tell myself to snap out of it. Everyone grieves differently. Just because I’m not out here with grand gestures of grief, it doesn’t mean I don’t still feel it. I have to remind myself, it isn’t a competition of who is saddest! People process very differently and I have to allow myself to process and prosper. I deserve both and so do you. We all do.
I usually seclude myself away and wallow in anguish on the anniversary of her death. A kind of self care time out. I can’t really deal with other and with myself on this day. But this year, I’ll try something different because I don’t feel the impending anguish building up. I mean, that’s right now as I write and that could very well change but I’m going to TRY.
Try to do something different, because I’m different now. I’ve forgiven others and myself and because of that, I feel like I can “functionally grieve” it’s my buzz word of the moment. I can feel my feelings and function in the world. Well, we’ll see.
How have you dealt with loss? Are you still dealing with it? What were you able to learn about yourself/others during this time. Let me know, I’d love to hear from you because I’m still trying to figure it all out.
xoSquared