Amigita Adventures!

Ciao Amici!

Come stiamo tutti?

I am back to my New York routine after indulging in the flavors and colors of the other side of the pond and it was everything I wanted and everything I didn't know I needed.

We come alive in the fall time. 

My bestie and I decided to celebrate our birthdays abroad this year.  It has been a while since we had a true girl's trip; she and I.   A little background on how are trips come about: when L and I start thinking of a trip, we start with a wish list that we've compiled and figure out if any of those destinations are feasible. We take things like vacation days, climate, flying time, terrorism (which is sad) into consideration.  We tend to start very conservatively.  We figure what city in the U.S. we'd like to hit up.  Then, as we whittle down the list, a few international cities may pop up.  While researching fares we may come upon a flash sale and then what usually happens is that we'll randomly put in a city and see that THAT city is much less expensive than the city we wanted to visit and BOOM we're now booking a trip to Milan when we thought we would be going to New Orleans.  It's just a thing.  We try to be "not extra" and end up being VERY extra. 

Between giggles and squeals we built an incredible itinerary: Milan, Venice, Switzerland and depart Milan. 

Just some snaps...

this was just the appetizer....

I can't say enough about Italy.  To date, it is my favorite country to visit.  One of the easiest as well, as you can get away with some Spanish over there.  Furthermore, my dad always says: "Flour never sours around you".  If there is a carb around, I will partake.  So you KNOW Italy is a gastronomical dream for me.  Pasta, bread, wine, butter, olive oil, cheese and ice cream, these are the things I need to survive and Italy excels in all categories.

The destination was phenomenal.  However, the real highlight of this trip was my travel companion.  L and I have been traveling together for years now and every time I travel with a group that does not include her, I remember why she and I are such friends.  She lets me be exactly who I am.  She knows who I am and accepts that.  Find yourself a companion that accepts all the parts of you.  She can take in the sights of an ancient church and turn up at a discotheque.  She is good with five star restaurant but will try a hole in the wall.  The one trait that blows them all out of the water though?  Is her level headedness in a crisis.  We have been lost without maps, missed trains, bumped from planes, fallen ill and faced racism all abroad.  We both know we can fall apart when we get home but right now we gotta solutionze!

We problem solve.  We've been up 36 hours straight trying to find a flight and we didn't turn on each other.  I think that's the most important thing in a travel companion: loyalty.  Even if it's just until you get home; stay loyal to your travel companion because you are trusting each other with your well being far from home.  I know it may sound dramatic but I've been in situations where I've been in medical crisis and my "friends" stopped talking to me because to them "I was acting different". Acting different was me being in discomfort; maybe I didn't articulate that how they deemed appropriately, but I was ostracized. 

You know yourself best.  If you know you are impatient and are ready to just take off on your own in a crisis, group/companion travel isn't for you.  

I'm not saying you can't have disagreements, those happen and you should embrace those.  Give each other space to do your own thing for a few hours if necessary but always talk.  I get hangry and L can go so much longer than me without food. So we travel with snacks; little things like that make it work.  When planning a trip, you have to understand that not only are your best qualities going to shine through but your worst ones as well when there's a hiccup in the plans.   

Venician Silliness. 

Choose who you travel with wisely.  I personally believe, if you can travel with someone and deal with all of their idiosyncrasies you are truly friends.  Get yourself an amigita/amigito that can hang and make your laugh.  Laughter will get you through everything that can go wrong on a trip.  Well, maybe not legal trouble.  Just don't get arrested and you should have adventures that won't fit on your cameras. 

Arrivederci!

xoSquared

Lovers and Friends

Find yourself a lover. A person who loves you. Who engages every part of you. Your body, your mind your, spirit. All of it because it's is fun AF.

it's so much better when it's fun!

Notice how I didn't say boyfriend or girlfriend or anything like that. I said a lover (read: luvah) that when you two are together; You are TOGETHER and it doesn't feel weird or constricting or labeled. It's just you enjoying each other's company, doing whatever comes naturally and letting it happen. You're not thinking about "what it looks like" or what it means; you're just present in the moment. Enjoying each other.

It's so much more than physical. Your minds need to be right. They need to gel. You need it to be someone that puts you at ease and doesn't make you feel weird. A lover won't grumble or lash out if for some reason y'all can't get down. They won't pout if your body isn't responsive. In fact they'll hold you closer. They will enjoy the quiet moments along with the turn ups. Every date won't be flowers and champagne. Maybe it's just a bad movie and good ice cream. 

There needs to be an openness and honesty. You have to open yourself up to the fact that this is all it may be. Maybe you're not ready for a relationship. Maybe the other person isn't. You can't force it. You have to just enjoy it.  

Lovers used to be so nice to each other.  They respected one another; nowadays it just seem like a lot of machinations for a little make out sesh.  Who's texting first?   Who was the last to call?  She doesn't get the good night text, she's not my girl.  He doesn't get the good morning text! That's not my man."  I mean...really?  All of this seems so stressful.  A lot of time is wasted on creating a hierarchy, to me.   Just do what you like when you're interested in a person.  If it's reciprocated...great!! If not, you know that's not the lover for you because if someone is dry to your communication they need a person who is just as dry.  That's not a match for you.

Also, learn the difference between some who gets you wet and someone who turns you on.

There is a BIG difference.  HUGE!!  One action can happen without your permission.  Ask a guy who gets a boner at an inopportune time.  That stuff can just happen.  But being turned on, that needs you to be present to happen.  You need to be engaged in something/someone to feel it. You KNOW the difference.

Example:

text from the guy who likes you but you're not really feeling him that way:

Him: Good Morning Beautiful.  I hope you have a great day!

Me: ::eye roll:: You too thanks

Text from guy you have an interest in:

Him: Hey

Me: omg omg omg omg omg omg omg - he texts the way we talk! SWOOOOON!!

That's being turned on! You are into this person. 

I love love. It's great.  In all forms.  Everything from feverish crushes to smoldering lust, to a banked fire of endearment.  Even if its just for a moment or forever.  Just enjoy the hell out of each other.  

xoSquared

The Casualty of Male Casuality?

Man:  I'm not looking for a relationship.  I'm just trying to have fun.

Woman: Great! Me too!

A couple weeks later...

Man: You acting funny.  You're playing games.

Woman: I'm playing the field, you said you were as well.

Man: ....yea but....

and scene!

I've been hearing more stories similar to the one above lately.  We all know I get boyfriends by mistake but I've been hearing that some guys are questioning the fact that women are now more comfortable with casual dating and NOT getting into relationships right away.   Women are owning their sexuality and their sexual freedom.  

Disclaimer:  I don't judge on this site.  Actually, the only person I judge is myself.  I may not agree with certain things but I don't judge people and the situations they may be in, so when I write about certain situations, I'm sharing because I think it's interesting or a certain dynamic is curious to me.  I'm not standing on a soap box (until I say I am). I write from my perspective and hope to be inclusive.  

Anyway, I know a couple of girls who are playing the field and dating; the guys they attract may be in one-sided poly amorous relationships (a classy way of saying, these guys are attached and still chat up other girls).  Now the girls I know, are fully aware they are the woman on the side.  They know that... they don't want this man as marriage material, they are not going into this thinking they are going to usurp the role of the wife.  They are completely comfortable without the strings attached.  

Remember when Olivia Pope finally moved out of the shadows and was the First Girlfriend? Remember when she played house for like two months and started drinking hooch in the closet?  Mellie lasted 20 years, Olivia couldn't deal after 2 months.  She didn't want to be the wife.  It was easier to have the best parts of Fitz.  The parts where he was passionate, silly, funny, lustful.  The parts when she could leave him after a quick tryst and have him pursue her because she was forbidden.  She wanted all of the desire without any of the work.  

Wives and Mistresses have one this in common...OOP!

So these women are like that but without the drama and closet drinking.  They know they don't want relationships, especially with these men who are in other relationships.  But they tell me how these guys get jealous when they go out with other people.  They get miffed when they don't answer the phone calls.  Where does this come from?  They clearly have a whole other relationship to tend to.  The side piece is playing her role well, yet he wants to sneak more secret meetings, he wants to do more.  

I find this curious.  Everything is presumably going fine.  Everyone knows their role and is playing it accordingly.  So why complicate it?  Is it the "danger"?  The forbidden vibe of it all?

Women are always pitted against each other so when I hear a girl saying "his girl doesn't do xyz or she's crazy"  I always question the source of this information.  If it's coming from him...of course she's lacking in something.  No man is telling you, "my girlfriend makes me perfectly happy.  Everything is fine, I would like to chat/have sex with you aside from that relationship.  Just an extra, she doesn't know so please don't tell her as I don't want to hurt her but I would like to have someone other than her."  Imagine if this happened?!  Things would be so much easier!

I'm still trying to figure it out myself.  If you feel like you can clue me in, please hit me up.  Tell me if you've been in a similar situation.  How did it end?  Did it end?  Tell me!

xoSquared

You're thanking me for what?!

I just read an article on Refinery29 about women captioning us-ies of them and their boyfriends, with open letters to all of HIS ex-girlfriends titled:  "To The Girls Who Let Him Go".  Apparently, this is spreading on Facebook and IG and when it was forwarded to me, I really couldn't believe what I was reading:

"Thank you so much. Thank you for walking out of his life or letting him walk out of yours. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to love him and do things that would make him happy, to really keep him. Thank you for hurting him. If not, he wouldn’t have learned what something as valuable as we have looks and feels like. I will do all the things you failed to do for him, like be there for him, prioritize him, not make him feel like he is just an option, Give him time and affection even when he is not asking for it. I will take care of the man you failed to appreciate. I will love the man you took for granted. I will do anything to keep him and make him stay. I will love him for all that he is, and will support him in anything that he wants to be. I will be the partner you failed to become for him. I will be the woman who will never make the same mistakes that you did. I will never let him go."

toodaloo!

Are you kidding me?!  Are you serious with this right now?  WTF?!!

A) Girl....no

B) Why?

C) Stop and 

D) FOH!

I WISH one of my exes had a girlfriend send or tag me on this sort of buffoonery.  You already have him.  I am living my life on this end of the world and you're coming for me?  If you're so happy with him, go be happy! No one is stopping you from this but you took time out of your blissful relationship to express your gratitude to me or others like me for "failing" your man, so you could "succeed"?  

We were all rooting for you!!

Newsflash: You failed.

You failed all of us.  

You failed the sisterhood, you failed yourself.

Listen, there is nothing wrong with supporting your man -- emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially if that's what you choose to do.  Do your thing.  However, why are you coming for other women who have nothing to do with your relationship anymore? You thank me for hurting him?  What if your new boo was an abusive asshole to me?  You don't know that because you only know what he's told you.  Thank me for taking him for granted?  Maybe I didn't like sharing him with you and I just let him go. 

The end of this "letter" gets really cracked:  I will do anything to keep him and make him stay.

Really?  Anything?  I'm all about expanding your horizons and doing things with and for your partner but in this context, this seems like a slippery slope:  from, sure I'll try something a little kinkier to now you see that he's watching kiddie porn and likes to cut you.  But remember you said,  you would do anything to keep him. This is what he likes.  This is what it takes to be with him.  But you're down right?  You'll be the one scouring the net for the next video for him right? You're down for it all!   If you know me, you know I take things to next levels, I'm extra and I know it but so are these chicks right now.  

Also, you can never make a man stay. EVER.  You can't make anyone stay, but you're right boo.  You have the keys to success, ga' head. 

You will "never let him go"?  -- sounds like you have abandonment issues and you're in the running to be "America's Next Stalking Girlfriend".  I/WE let him go and we're better for it.  We are shining on and living and you're over there telling us about what we did to help you?  You know what?  You're right, that's what women who are for other women do, we help one another and all I can say is you're so very welcome because what didn't work for me,  is working for you.  

Looking for a sign?

I didn't want a Three Thrust Larry.  I didn't want the man who was jealous when I made more money than him.  I didn't want the man who didn't have a passport because he didn't see the importance of seeing the world.  I didn't want the guy who wasn't at my level. I didn't want the guy who showed me that when times got tough, he got going.  I did away with my toxicity and now he's your treasure, enjoy him; while you're doing that, I'll enjoy me. 

Now, I know there are some women out here who ride hard for their guy.  How dare anyone hurt my soulmate?  I get it.  I do.  You want to defend him to the world.  But these letters are not the way.  Why pit yourself against women who have nothing to do with your life now? Why? 

But most important, you're right, don't make the same mistakes I made, don't rid yourself of dead weight.  Don't value your identity to being more than someone's Partner.  

Don't be like me.  

Don't accept that the past teaches us lessons and we can learn from those and do better.  

Don't understand YOUR WANTS AND YOUR NEEDS; yourself. 

Don't be your best ally.  

Continue to be THAT girl, the girl who likes the drama, the girl who wants nothing more than to prove that she is better than other girls.  Don't you worry, because the girls that you are thanking in that letter are the same girls that will tell you: "I know, that's why I stopped messing with him", when you want to come over and cry over wine.  

We'll accept you back at the table, we'll forgive.  But you will have to thank us then as well.

Please do. 

xoSquared