Lovers and Friends

Find yourself a lover. A person who loves you. Who engages every part of you. Your body, your mind your, spirit. All of it because it's is fun AF.

it's so much better when it's fun!

Notice how I didn't say boyfriend or girlfriend or anything like that. I said a lover (read: luvah) that when you two are together; You are TOGETHER and it doesn't feel weird or constricting or labeled. It's just you enjoying each other's company, doing whatever comes naturally and letting it happen. You're not thinking about "what it looks like" or what it means; you're just present in the moment. Enjoying each other.

It's so much more than physical. Your minds need to be right. They need to gel. You need it to be someone that puts you at ease and doesn't make you feel weird. A lover won't grumble or lash out if for some reason y'all can't get down. They won't pout if your body isn't responsive. In fact they'll hold you closer. They will enjoy the quiet moments along with the turn ups. Every date won't be flowers and champagne. Maybe it's just a bad movie and good ice cream. 

There needs to be an openness and honesty. You have to open yourself up to the fact that this is all it may be. Maybe you're not ready for a relationship. Maybe the other person isn't. You can't force it. You have to just enjoy it.  

Lovers used to be so nice to each other.  They respected one another; nowadays it just seem like a lot of machinations for a little make out sesh.  Who's texting first?   Who was the last to call?  She doesn't get the good night text, she's not my girl.  He doesn't get the good morning text! That's not my man."  I mean...really?  All of this seems so stressful.  A lot of time is wasted on creating a hierarchy, to me.   Just do what you like when you're interested in a person.  If it's reciprocated...great!! If not, you know that's not the lover for you because if someone is dry to your communication they need a person who is just as dry.  That's not a match for you.

Also, learn the difference between some who gets you wet and someone who turns you on.

There is a BIG difference.  HUGE!!  One action can happen without your permission.  Ask a guy who gets a boner at an inopportune time.  That stuff can just happen.  But being turned on, that needs you to be present to happen.  You need to be engaged in something/someone to feel it. You KNOW the difference.

Example:

text from the guy who likes you but you're not really feeling him that way:

Him: Good Morning Beautiful.  I hope you have a great day!

Me: ::eye roll:: You too thanks

Text from guy you have an interest in:

Him: Hey

Me: omg omg omg omg omg omg omg - he texts the way we talk! SWOOOOON!!

That's being turned on! You are into this person. 

I love love. It's great.  In all forms.  Everything from feverish crushes to smoldering lust, to a banked fire of endearment.  Even if its just for a moment or forever.  Just enjoy the hell out of each other.  

xoSquared

The Casualty of Male Casuality?

Man:  I'm not looking for a relationship.  I'm just trying to have fun.

Woman: Great! Me too!

A couple weeks later...

Man: You acting funny.  You're playing games.

Woman: I'm playing the field, you said you were as well.

Man: ....yea but....

and scene!

I've been hearing more stories similar to the one above lately.  We all know I get boyfriends by mistake but I've been hearing that some guys are questioning the fact that women are now more comfortable with casual dating and NOT getting into relationships right away.   Women are owning their sexuality and their sexual freedom.  

Disclaimer:  I don't judge on this site.  Actually, the only person I judge is myself.  I may not agree with certain things but I don't judge people and the situations they may be in, so when I write about certain situations, I'm sharing because I think it's interesting or a certain dynamic is curious to me.  I'm not standing on a soap box (until I say I am). I write from my perspective and hope to be inclusive.  

Anyway, I know a couple of girls who are playing the field and dating; the guys they attract may be in one-sided poly amorous relationships (a classy way of saying, these guys are attached and still chat up other girls).  Now the girls I know, are fully aware they are the woman on the side.  They know that... they don't want this man as marriage material, they are not going into this thinking they are going to usurp the role of the wife.  They are completely comfortable without the strings attached.  

Remember when Olivia Pope finally moved out of the shadows and was the First Girlfriend? Remember when she played house for like two months and started drinking hooch in the closet?  Mellie lasted 20 years, Olivia couldn't deal after 2 months.  She didn't want to be the wife.  It was easier to have the best parts of Fitz.  The parts where he was passionate, silly, funny, lustful.  The parts when she could leave him after a quick tryst and have him pursue her because she was forbidden.  She wanted all of the desire without any of the work.  

Wives and Mistresses have one this in common...OOP!

So these women are like that but without the drama and closet drinking.  They know they don't want relationships, especially with these men who are in other relationships.  But they tell me how these guys get jealous when they go out with other people.  They get miffed when they don't answer the phone calls.  Where does this come from?  They clearly have a whole other relationship to tend to.  The side piece is playing her role well, yet he wants to sneak more secret meetings, he wants to do more.  

I find this curious.  Everything is presumably going fine.  Everyone knows their role and is playing it accordingly.  So why complicate it?  Is it the "danger"?  The forbidden vibe of it all?

Women are always pitted against each other so when I hear a girl saying "his girl doesn't do xyz or she's crazy"  I always question the source of this information.  If it's coming from him...of course she's lacking in something.  No man is telling you, "my girlfriend makes me perfectly happy.  Everything is fine, I would like to chat/have sex with you aside from that relationship.  Just an extra, she doesn't know so please don't tell her as I don't want to hurt her but I would like to have someone other than her."  Imagine if this happened?!  Things would be so much easier!

I'm still trying to figure it out myself.  If you feel like you can clue me in, please hit me up.  Tell me if you've been in a similar situation.  How did it end?  Did it end?  Tell me!

xoSquared