It's been a while! I've been answering all your questions 1 on 1 but I figured I'd answer a question fro the class.
Hi Squared,
My ex boyfriend still comes around every now and then, especially when his girlfriend is out of town. He tells me that I'm the only one who really understands him and his current girlfriend is great but he wants me to be in his life. But, when we're done between the sheets, it's like I don't exist. He doesn't reach out for anything but sex. Why would he gas my head up simply to get me into bed. It's so unnecessary; if he just wants to smash, we can do that. but this playing mind games isn't cool. How should I bring this up to him? I know you keep it real, so I'm just waiting for your wisdom.
Gassed and Gamed
Hey GG,
Thank you for reaching out. Firstly, I'm glad you know I'm going to keep it real, which means it may not be the nicest news, but it will always be honest.
I think it's safe to say that many of us have been in this situation, I know it firsthand. He's an ex for a reason, it didn't work out and you're both in a different place (single or not). He keeps reaching out because you keep answering him. He knows that you are still a viable option. He would like his cake and eat a side of yours as well! If you want him to continue to partake, I'm not judging you, that's your prerogative. However, if you are in a mental space where you can just have sex with him without all these "mental games" or without strings, it shouldn't bother you when he tries to use pretty words and woo you into bed. You would be able to just chuckle say "of course sweetheart" and jump in the sack and be done with it.
It seems that him "gassing you up" is what bothers you. You deem it unnecessary and annoying but is that because you may fall for it? Which keeps you coming back? Each time he says it, it makes the fact that he's cheating on his girlfriend ok, because he's doing it with you, the ex that he could never let go because he loves you so much that he can't live without you.
Girl. No.
He knows what gets your supple and pliant and ready. He's doing what he's always done. I think the change has occurred in you. This is no longer enough for you. Don't take that away from yourself. Let yourself change and grow right out of his reach. Once you stop responding, he'll get it. You're no longer available to him. You know what though? If you ARE the one who he simply cannot live without, he will make the necessary changes to re-enter your life on the terms you deem satisfactory. I don't think it's something you "bring up", I think silence works fine. But if you must say something: "No, can't meet tonight." is sufficient. Enough times and he'll get the message.
I'll leave you with this; this is something that took a minute for me to see but when I did, it hit me like a ton of bricks and it was clear that this situation no longer served me:
You'll fuck me but you don't fuck wit me
He'll come around to get a dig in but you are not in his circle. You are not privy to anything in his life except his penis and that's sporadic. Same with you, he is not in your favorites, he has no idea about what's happening with you except some awkward, forced small talk before ya'll get down. No thanks. It's not worth the Seamless, the Uber nor the Karma. I'd rather eat noodles with good people and binge X-Men the animated series. I'm good.
So, GG, do you girl but make sure you like what's being done to you. There are so many guys out here, let that woman deal with her bozo because I have a feeling, he's not as slick as he thinks and it's all going to catch up to him. Make yourself scarce and see yourself soar.
xoSquared