My go to is: I forgive but I never forget.

I try not to hold grudges (it can be hard, not gonna lie) and just let the universe deal with the Karma. But is not forgetting the same as not forgiving?

I can forget what I walked into a room for but I can remember what someone said to me in an argument 4 years ago. I can remember what color shirt they were wearing and can pretty much regurgitate the transcript like a stenographer. It's a gift, obvi. When I say : "No, I said xyz and you said 123" I am always right. I feel like my brain holds on to conflict scenarios as self preservation. I don't want to get to that place again so remember how we got here so I don't ever have to go through it again. Is this a feasible thing? Of course not! But I never claimed to have it all figured out.

But one thing I've noticed is that, although I may have forgiven someone, I am still judging them on their past actions. Is that really forgiveness? If the person, is still toxic, then yes, arm yourself with the memories of what happened before. Being wary is never a bad thing. But what about people who have changed? Or are changing? Those who apologized and never did it again?

It dawned on me recently with someone from my past trying to reconnect. She was such a good friend but just got more and more toxic. We parted ways and years later she has reached out again. I'm very cautious because I know who this girl is. I know how she operates. But...is that still the case? We've had conversations and I'll say something like: "Well, in the past you've done that." Her response got me thinking; "Yeah, that was like four years ago though" That gave me pause. She was right. I know the person I was three years ago and the person I am now are very different. Maybe the same happened to her? So, if I'm holding on to memories of what she did in the past, am I really forgiving the toxic person from back then or am I punishing the new person from now?

One of my friends told me: "You've had an epiphany in life, you are different, which is good. You're more...open now. You have to open up to the fact that other people are growing too. They are changing and maturing as well.

Am I just being difficult and not letting go?

That got me. It shut me right up. It's true. As much as I've made changes in my life and have put processes in my life into effect that make me grow, other people are doing that too. Everyone is growing and learning and what they did years ago may not be something they would do again. Perhaps they learned their lesson. Who am I to keep rubbing their nose in it? I wouldn't like it if it was done to me...AT ALL.

So, I know I can forgive and I may not be able to forget but I have to remember that people can change. If I forgive and offer a clean slate, I have to hold myself accountable to keeping that slate clean until something new and present happens. I can be cautious, I can be careful but what I shouldn't do is continue to beat a dead horse. If we squashed it, we squashed it. I've got to let that go.