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I've been dating my boyfriend for a couple of months. Things are going well, he treats me nicely and we have a nice time when we're together. He suffered a loss a while back (we weren't together then) and has been depressed lately. I try to be there for him but he's always so negative and down. It's starting to affect me in the sense that I don't want to talk to him as much because I feel like I'm forcing him to be something he isn't. Is it time to call it quits? I don't want to leave him while he's down but I also don't know how to help him. What do you think I should do?
-Desperately Depressed Bae
Hey DDB,
Firstly, thank you for your note. I can only give you my opinion, so take it or leave it. I don't mean that in a callous way but I always want you to do what you feel most comfortable doing.
Grief is chilling chameleon. It can take so many shapes. It's different for everyone and we all handle it in our own ways. I can personally tell you that it's something that you don't just "get over", so DON'T tell him that. Whatever you say to him, do not say those words. He will remember them forever. When the person you're dating tells you to "get over it" it's such a stab in the heart because you look at this person and wonder when did they lose their humanity and you question yourself for dealing with them. Sound extra? It's not. No one "gets over" a death, especially of someone dear to them.
You learn to live this new kind of life without that person in your life. You adapt but you don't get over it. So don't say that.
You said you've been dating a couple of months. So, it's still super early. Maybe you are the right people at the wrong time. I'm glad he treats you nicely and you guys have a good time together. Maybe he's trying to move on by exploring new people and relationships. But he shouldn't use you as a crutch. I dated someone in the midst of my grief and six months later it was dunzo. I definitely used him as a salve on a wound that just wouldn't heal.
You may just be a crutch instead of a crush.
If you feel yourself dodging him and his calls because it feels more like a burden then it's time to put this to bed. It's not fair to you either. New relationships are supposed to be fun and flirty and easy. It's the getting to know you phase and if you don't want to get to know him, it's time to get out. You may feel some guilt because you don't want to be the monster who broke up with a guy and gave him one more thing to mourn but you also have to think about yourself here. If you really like him and you feel like you can stick it through, that's fine too, but he may come out on the other side of this grief and realize that you guys aren't a match. You could be a product of his grief. I'm not saying that to be mean, but honest.
You may be a momentary lapse. So you should prepared for that too.
Have a talk with him. Don't blame him for something he can't control. He can't give you happy go lucky right now and that's just the way it is. You can't demand something he just can't give you. Tell him, you like him but this isn't the right time. You want him to have the time he needs to deal with his life changes. That doesn't mean you abandon him. You can still be friends but hold that boundary. Don't be the friends with benefits because that will muddle things. Just be there for him. Talk to him when he needs an ear but that frees you up to do your thing.
Like I said: Right people at the wrong time.
You guys could come together down the road stronger because of the break. Or you could remain really great friends. Or you may never speak again. There are a few possible outcomes to this; just do what feels right. However, don't make decisions for him, make him a part of the process, make your needs known THEN make a decision.
xoSquared