I recently met up with someone I had lost regular contact with. I was surprised when he reached out but I was open to it (in my infinite "come from a place of yes Frances") and we met for a drink. We did the customary catch up and then we started talking about what we're doing now. You know, the whole thing.
As he was talking, I got a sense of deja vu. It had felt like I had heard all of this before. I took myself back to the time when we were in closer contact and took stock of the things I was dealing with at the time. I went back about 2 1/2 years. I thought on the place I had been physically, emotionally, spiritually at that time and how I am SO removed from the person I was during that time period right now. Each problem or hang up I had from that time has been resolved, handled or has evolved into a new problem that a solution is being sought for. I came back to the conversation, stopped him and said:
It's been two years and you still have the same problems? How are you still doing this? I think the real problem is, YOU don't want to change these things.
He got defensive, which is completely justified. I attacked his way of life. I'd questioned his method of living his life. I didnt mean any harm from it but if you haven't been able to solve or at least make progress on a situation in years there's something causing that kind of stagnation, it's You. What is stopping you from solving these issues? Especially when you have the means to do it? Some people need problems to feel like they are constantly working on something. They have something to complain about. They can shroud themselves in worries and give themselves something to do.
Need a new place to live? Start looking. Is no place good enough with your budget range? Then one possible solution is to get another job to raise your budget. Someone in your life still unable to accept you for who you are? Start withholding contact. There is no rule written that you MUST keep someone in your life; family or not.
I feel, unless it's a chronic disease or something (which honestly, I feel like the pain can be managed for a quality of life) you can get your blinders on, focus and solve your problems. If it's been years and you're in the same place, it's time to ask yourself: Why?
This guy has all the means to solve every single problem he has. Every single one. He has the means to fix it with a check, a schedule change and a little flexibility and yet something that seems so easy to me, completely eludes him. When I laid out the possible solutions, I got the "Well, everyone isn't you Frances." and that's when I held my tongue. He was right. Not everyone is like me. I like to be happy, self sufficient, efficient and drama free: He and I are not alike.
Think about the 3 biggest problems you have right now. Now what is stopping you from resolving those problems? Is it money (or lack thereof), a relationship, a job? Think about what the common denominator is. Is it financial? Physical, emotional? If so, what is causing that? Just keep asking yourself why? when you get that answer, ask why again? Then ask why again? I've done this and you know what? The answers aren't always easy. My ROOT answers have been:
I'M scared
I'M being lazy
I just don't want to...ask why again and it's usually one of the first two answers
I don't have the means right now - then ask, "how can I get the means?".
I no longer believe in this
This doesn't make me happy
I'm confused
I'm comfortable
i don't want to change this
You don't have to change every single thing about you at one time but you should always keep working on making yourself happy/happier. Maybe you're one of the lucky ones who is already content with everything they have. I'm happy for you. You've figured out what most of us are still trying to learn and you're probably being called names over it; keep doing you. I'm going to keep working on getting new problems. New problems mean I'm getting into new things and it's keeping me on my toes.
Do you still have the same problems you had years ago? What are some of them? Do you want to be rid of them? It's ok if you don't, you just have to own that.
xoSquared