Over the Thanksgiving break, one of my friends brought this to my attention. She sent an message that said:
"..want to reassure you that we all have skeletons, things we are afraid to speak of, regardless of what it is, I love you all and never let whatever you have experienced diminish your self worth. No matter what any man has done or said to you, it has NEVER been your fault!"
Now, this group chat is usually very light and we check in on each other daily with some kind words or some gossip. So I was taken aback by this message. What is going on? What would prompt such a message? I asked her and she directed me to check out the hashtag #lifeinleggings on Facebook.. I did and A LOT of feelings came up.
Anger - Why are we STILL going through this? Why are women still subjected to have to live within these circumstances? Why do we have to live our lives within the frame men allow us to?
Guilt - I cave in to it too. I let fear or anxiety rule my actions as well.
Sadness - I feel for all those women who are still living with the ramifications of their assaults - be in, emotional, physically or verbal.
All those feelings swirling together, moved me. It moved me to reach out to other women in my circle and let them know that I am here to listen as well. I am an ally. But then I thought, "Wait...A lot of women are allies already. We're not the problem.
We aren't! I've had conversations with some men who are OBLIVIOUS to how their actions, or INACTION, for that matter, are part of the problem.
Case in point: I was discussing party plans with a guy. We were excited to take the night and paint the town red. It was summer so I was musing out loud about my outfit and what my "vibe" was going to be. I described several outfits and he said "go with the short tight dress" -- Of Course! I agreed with him. The short, tight dress would look best, I was proud of my body, my work at the gym was really paying off, I felt great but then I said, hmm maybe not. I need to be with a man to wear that thing. He was a bit confused by my answer. I proceeded to explain to him what wearing that dress meant:
I have to secure transportation to the party. I'm not going to take public transit in this freakum dress. Not because I feel like I'm above it, but because I've experienced men thinking it's OK to touch the skin that is showing. Or that I am wearing this solely for them.
Hmm, how do I show this all off safely? The fact that I have to think of Safety beyond band aids for stilettos...
I would prefer an escort while walking down the street because men tend to only respect other men. A man can catcall me or say something ridiculous and if the man I'm walking with says something, the response would be: "Oh, Sorry man, my bad, she's beautiful" But if I say something "Bitch, you ugly anyway". A man would compliment a man on what "is his".
Or I would need to plan to meet up with other girls because: Strength in Numbers. Sigh...
A man can just get up and go, I have to think of all these logistics just because I want to wear a pretty dress. After my explanation, my friend said: "Whoa, I had no idea."
And they really don't. Some really don't get it. Sometimes, we just can't wear something cute because we know what comes with it. We know it's a headache that may not even be worth the IG photo shoot. The fact that we have to think of all these scenarios before leaving our homes is ridiculous.
That's tame compared to things women go through every day. We rather invest in teaching women how to defend themselves. We rather arm women than disarm men. We need to teach men NOT to rape. We need to teach men to listen and understand that the world and everything in it does not belong to them. Take no as an answer because there is nothing after that. Stop thinking that you can change her mind. Take the L and keep it moving. Don't we outnumber men like 7 to 1? There's someone out there for you dude, you don't have to harass the one woman who isn't. And, if you can't find anyone with those odds, the problem is YOU.
Ladies, we're not the problem. If you have a son, nephew, stepson, cousin, brother, boyfriend, husband. Tell them about #lifeinleggings, raise awareness so they can spread it too. It has to go viral within their circles. "Locker room talk" was just a huge buzz phrase this past month. Men stood against it and yet....
How do you feel about this? If you want to tell me your story, you can, it's totally private. If you need to just tell someone, ANYONE. I'm here.
xoSquared