Everyone grieves differently. It hits everyone at a different pace. Some people bounce back immediately, others may never leave that stage but live there forever.

I remember the night I got the news of Stephanie’s death I screamed and cried and felt a cold that went into my bones. I remember talking to her aunt, who couldn’t even recognize my voice, and just asking if it was real. I remember a distinct moment when I stopped crying abruptly and told my mother I needed to go to bed. Just like that. *Snap* the tears stopped and I told myself I needed to go to sleep because I had work in the morning. Of course, I didn’t sleep and I didn’t go to work in the morning. In hindsight, I feel like my brain was trying to protect me; just block it all out before you start to malfunction. In the midst of the grief, I was dating a guy and all seemed well. I even tried to protect us both by acknowledging that this was a grief stricken endeavor and maybe we should just not do this. But alas, full steam ahead. I remember times when my guy would do something nice for me, I’d be so touched but there was a little sinking feeling that lurked behind it.

When we’d lay in bed, a tangle of arms and legs, I’d look over and think,

Why me?
Why do I get this?
Why do I get the guy who says he loves me?
Stephanie should be having these experiences, not me. Also, what kind of friend am I that I can even entertain these feelings so soon after her passing?
How could I even try to be happy?

These are the questions I would ask and I would try to talk myself out of these thoughts but then I came across this little diddy on the net:

Survivor guilt (or survivor's guilt; also called survivor syndrome or survivor's syndrome) is a mental condition that occurs when a person perceives themselves to have done wrong by surviving a traumatic event when others did not…. They are described as having a pattern of characteristic symptoms including anxiety and depression, social withdrawal, sleep disturbance and nightmares, physical complaints and mood swings with loss of drive. [5] Commonly such survivors feel guilty that they have survived the trauma and others—such as their family, friends, and colleagues—did not.” Yuuuuup! I felt all these things, (THANKS WIKI)

I pushed away happiness because I thought it was an inappropriate time to feel it. It finally came to head when I bought tickets to a Backstreet Boys concert. Stephanie and I were obsessed as kids and it was our little thing as adults. After she passed, tickets went on sale and I snapped them up immediately, it wasn't until I went to text Steph about the amazing seats I got us that I realized what I had done. My brain still had the habit of sharing news with her. I left it alone, deciding that I would most likely sell the tickets as the time got closer. Now, you know I didn’t sell the tickets, I went and into the third song, “Incomplete” I burst into tears. Which was ok, because everyone around me most likely thought I was Fangirling :). I was in a sold out amphitheater and felt so alone. I was depressed for about 3 weeks after that. It opened all the wounds again. I closed myself off and let myself feel it all. That was perhaps June/July of 2014. By that September, like I told you in the previous post, I decided that I can’t stop living because she did.

I have to live harder.

Stephanie is not dead because of me. I didn’t cause it. I had to come to terms with that. I have. I still get angry over it, I still cry when it hits me. But there’s no guilt. My happiness does not negate her life or the depth of our friendship, I think it heightens it. I’d like to think she’s somewhere sitting on a rainbow cheering me on.

Have any of you gone through anything like this? Have you come out on the other side? How? If not, how are you coping?

Hit me up!

xoSquared